Long time no blog

I have been distracted by life. I'm going to post here a little.

Readings

I'm struggling with my new book. I think I may summarize them as I read to help process them.

Meditation on emptyness

.... there I am, working on my centered... filling my soul.... getting my whatever in line....
My thoughts on what fills the emptiness...

What fills the glass?

Sure enough... My mentally ill father... the partial source of my struggles in my head.... Decides to Try and upload some drama. His inner child desiring what I am getting... his destructive tendencies getting the best of him... overwhelming his cup... instead of emptying his glass... his solution is to try and fill mine.

So... I let it spill. Of course he gets angry... I mock.... but my glass is not for you to fill.
The drama happens... it's ok. It's my relation to the suffering. I'm good with his spilt liquid.

Empty the glass, be careful of what re-fills it. All maner of Unpleasantness will seek to enter one's open space, clear head, empty mind.

Now how to fill it with Bliss/Joy... happiness.

Setting in motion the wheel of sunday....

Trying to refill my soul... 

Doing a little meditation this afternoon.

Fasting.

need a shower.

starving.

Filled with desire and suffering.

Making letting creating, misery.
Asking it to rain, forcing the rain trying to see what develops in my mind.

Contemplating the emptiness that develops... how we deal or fill, that emptiness.

Notes on the blog

I'm trying to do this site as a Beta. Develop some ideas, figure out what work then move them to another site.
that last few weeks I haven't felt very "centered". I am feeling better. Getting more exercise, taking care of business... etc.
Joyful participation in the sorrows of the world. It's not feeling very Joyful.

I'm distracted... with my real life.

I had an experience this week, People not experiencing the world the way I do. Convinced into their narrative...convinced into their thesis.... pre determined thesis.. Let them have their illusion.

What would we do....

   I was thinking about something. It was about how we love to be outraged at other people's wrongness. We love to hop on our high horse, claim someone to be lesser than we are. Less moral, less enlightened, Less evolved, Less christian.... etc etc etc... name your self righteousness.

As I sit here, I wonder how much I do this. It's not a matter of if I do it, I know I do. The question is when I'm doing it and how to deal with it. Certainly keep that in mind as I tap into this little missive.

What would we do without or victim status. Yes, I know there are real victims out there. Real people hurt in real ways, by real things... but what would we possible do without feeling sorry for ourselves, as though we have been wronged.

What would we do if we couldn't blame everyone else for making us unhappy, for making us feel bad about ourselves. Mostly I believe I hate myself, mostly for being human. For not being a superhero.

What would we do without being able to tell ourselves someone is stopping us, making us miserable, Irritating us.... etc

Probably start taking ownership of our lives.....

It's dangerous... well dangerous to take ownership.....

but Yes.... Sometimes we can't do it... Sometimes life is so insurmountable... and... bad things happen. You are right, nothing can be done about that stuff. What I think you can do is keep your eye on your life... take ownership of your motion, of your presence, of your.... Breath as the yogies say... That you can own.

Maybe if you have your "presence", Your breath... maybe we realize that the external stuff isn't changing our breath or "Presence"... I don't know.

Story

"

There was a storm. And thousands and thousands of starfish were washed up on the shore. And there was this beautiful little girl was running down the beach and she was picking up the starfish, she was frantically throwing them back into the ocean. When I saw her doing this I said to her, 'Why are you doing that? You can only save a few before they die, what difference does it make?' And she looked at me and she said, 'To THAT one, it makes a difference.' To THAT one, it makes a difference, that little girl said. And she was right and at that very moment she was making a difference for that starfish and she was making a difference for herself too because she was connected, to that starfish. 

Haven't posted

... There are two issues I'm trying to hit with my first post.

First, that there is no spirituality where you Can't practice while living an ordinary life. To be a monk is not ... Don't tell me I have to check out of every day life to live spiritually. That is nonsense. When I look at Tony Robins and say of all "Get rich-healthy by listening to my seminar" I say... How do I know you know what you are talking about. I have to live, I can't make a living going to hotel ballrooms and spewing shit at $100 a person. I feel the same way about Monks. If you want to tell me how to live, you need to not be a person living a Real, authentic life.

Second, Prayer is empty. It's intent without action. In fact all religion seems to be "do this on your day off, on sunday" That day you can be a good person, and you can clasp your hands together... do nothing.. and Hope. I had a good joke this week... Hope is... Hoping it all goes away. It's not. I feel the same way about political movements... Lets get together in a circle... Yell stuff and do nothing. Intention is great... but there is another paradox... sometimes as Hope is hoping it will go away, Prayer and religion is a good way to do nothing pretend you are good for one day... then you can be an Asshole for the other 6... ask for forgiveness on 7. Empty Bullshit!!!

In broad strokes... this is what I want to deal with... this is the fight I want to fight.

plodding

   Nag Nag Nag!!!!!
All you do is Nag.... You are like that horrible girlfriend, always bitching at me. I'm trying to get some posts done.

   The week has gone well. I'm almost inspired. Trying to infuse my mind with more positive things. Too much hate for too many days.

   I'm really trying to get centered. The point of this is to get to some great balance and illustrate it. Unfocused... I got tons of work done today... but I was lost... lost in my head.... lost not knowing what to do... being chased by my demons.... Some of it is my head trying to solve the great equation which is life.... It's not as hard as we make it.

I sit here tonight, thinking as though I can eat something that will solve it all. Solve what you say....
2am.... I just want that zen life....fluid... step step step.... life... able to deal with the chaos... Just daily plodding through beauty...

another week

and now I'm sick...

   Trying to get a break from it all. Sometimes that is what sickness is. The body can take no more. It shuts down and tells us that we don't have a choice.

   No existential lessons just trouble breathing... .sitting up.... trying to get something done...

Filled myself full of healthy food, special herbs... no dice.... I'm down for the count.

Long time.

It helps when I write as though I'm talking to you. I'm sitting here... I've been good and decided to reward myself. I've been on a very heavy aggressive diet. It's part of this current work. I've wanted to feel better. I thought I should reward myself. I had a hard week, I've been very good the past few days, It's Sunday. I ate a package of graham crackers. some are as much as 1000 calories per 8 cracker bag. I'm at a little better ease because this one was probably only 300. My diet has changed so I can get more done and build more athleticism. So... that and watching a movie.

I'm supposed to sit here and get all zen on you. Funny if you knew me, you would laugh... my friends would laugh and do. But... I'd laugh at them too. All the enlightenment none of us have. That is the point.... That is what this work is. Lets see if it works.

Another Morning in Paradise.

   I'm really kidding.

I haven't had the best couple days.

The lesson is, I think, There are the bad thing that happens, the unpleasant thing that disrupts our life. It's how we relate to it though that can be the problem. That is the thing we can do something about is How we "deal" or how we "react" to our problems. The warrior acts, the fool reacts. That is what we can do about it. That is where we can improve our condition. Christians may say "this is the challenge the lord has given you, He hasn't given you more than you handle".
   I have let myself be upset, angry, drunk, sad, miserable. Today I have to get it all together and pick up my hammer and start laying the proverbial Railroad track, John Henry.

One of the things I'm working on is trying to be motivated... One needs goals... things one really wants out of life.... things that bring fulfillment... One isn't just motivated... one does things that fills our needs to be the person we deep down want to be. 

Slight Derail

I have a few things going on. I real test of my uncentered nature.... er something. I don't have anything to say except that it has me very distracted..... and at times angry.

seeing double

.... I'm human.... there is a pizza in the oven.. 1000 calories of shitty fat and carbs... I'm barely able to see... do not mistake me for "the buddha" jack kerouac" on the road...
fuck that whore.....
numb I'm in a state of numb. wake up tomorrow or not..

O will fall apart on the floor...

The demon's have me;...

What a miserable day.

It has all piled up on me, the straw broke the camels back..... I'm busting out the gin.... who knew it was so Zen....
cell phone broken.
car broken
life broken
60 bucks in the bank
but a fridge full of gin

Nothing wrong with falling apart....... I may have been due....Just so long as I don't break my diet right. ...

drinking the biggest Gin and tonics as I can.. until I fall down... I know it doesn't "really help"... maybe it does... Just not in a real way... Maybe I just get to fall apart from time to time....

I guess my post will continue to wait.

Tired ass...

.... I'm worn out right now. My journey is tired. I spent some time meditating in the mountains. It's so strange... Irritated at all the work to get up there... then a few hours of solitude... somehow I can't find that in my daily life.

  Tumult going on in my head... Like and ocean at war with the wind rain and lightening. It will pass, the question is why? ....
and If I knew that.... the storm would be over.

... They talk about a middle path. Not to one extreme or another. In the Tao it's to flow with the river. The paradox in life.... mixed with walking that razor's edge of the middle road. I'd be curious how to write on the comparison between the two.

and.... I think I need my daily practice in order.

Little did I know

Not publishing crap takes time. Working on a good first post. It's just taking time. Made good progress on it.. but who knows if I'll have time to finish it until sunday.

The Great work.

   What a Claim right? Don't answer that. ;) I have a goal in mind. It's no less that the magnum opus of my life. It's not a book, it's not a blog, It's a concept. A full experience.

    For some amount of time, probably beyond my ability to remember, I've struggled with meaning in my life. This is amusing. I think I have let myself off the hook about having meaning in my life. Most people struggle with meaning in their life, I just gave up on it, why bother with the big questions if nobody else bothers, why should I?
   The tell tale heart, of finding meaning, has been beating quite loudly in the past few years, and particularly in the past few months. I've been giving people advice for the past few weeks and somehow I managed one of those epiphany moments, I needed to take my own advice. Nobody is going to do it besides me, It's my project I don't need anyone else to do it, or anyone to do anything to make it happen. I needed to get out of my own way and let this project that has gnawed and my leg like a dog that needs a walk ... well I needed to let that dog hunt. Here I am.

   The purpose of this blog is to help me to organize what I'm going to do in "the great work", It's sort of The Method of The Great work. A way to solidify my thoughts, before I start it. The Way of the Great work. So.... here it is.

Preface

I've been working on an opening for this blog for three or more days. I think I need to simplify. What I probably don't need to do is drink gin... I like that as an idea but I'm positive it won't really help. I need to simplify. I need to be clear and keep it simple. I keep wondering why it takes so many words for most writers to get to the point. This may be why. I am trying to put 30 pounds of hammers in a 10 pound bag.

ok, lets try again.