Haven't posted

... There are two issues I'm trying to hit with my first post.

First, that there is no spirituality where you Can't practice while living an ordinary life. To be a monk is not ... Don't tell me I have to check out of every day life to live spiritually. That is nonsense. When I look at Tony Robins and say of all "Get rich-healthy by listening to my seminar" I say... How do I know you know what you are talking about. I have to live, I can't make a living going to hotel ballrooms and spewing shit at $100 a person. I feel the same way about Monks. If you want to tell me how to live, you need to not be a person living a Real, authentic life.

Second, Prayer is empty. It's intent without action. In fact all religion seems to be "do this on your day off, on sunday" That day you can be a good person, and you can clasp your hands together... do nothing.. and Hope. I had a good joke this week... Hope is... Hoping it all goes away. It's not. I feel the same way about political movements... Lets get together in a circle... Yell stuff and do nothing. Intention is great... but there is another paradox... sometimes as Hope is hoping it will go away, Prayer and religion is a good way to do nothing pretend you are good for one day... then you can be an Asshole for the other 6... ask for forgiveness on 7. Empty Bullshit!!!

In broad strokes... this is what I want to deal with... this is the fight I want to fight.

plodding

   Nag Nag Nag!!!!!
All you do is Nag.... You are like that horrible girlfriend, always bitching at me. I'm trying to get some posts done.

   The week has gone well. I'm almost inspired. Trying to infuse my mind with more positive things. Too much hate for too many days.

   I'm really trying to get centered. The point of this is to get to some great balance and illustrate it. Unfocused... I got tons of work done today... but I was lost... lost in my head.... lost not knowing what to do... being chased by my demons.... Some of it is my head trying to solve the great equation which is life.... It's not as hard as we make it.

I sit here tonight, thinking as though I can eat something that will solve it all. Solve what you say....
2am.... I just want that zen life....fluid... step step step.... life... able to deal with the chaos... Just daily plodding through beauty...

another week

and now I'm sick...

   Trying to get a break from it all. Sometimes that is what sickness is. The body can take no more. It shuts down and tells us that we don't have a choice.

   No existential lessons just trouble breathing... .sitting up.... trying to get something done...

Filled myself full of healthy food, special herbs... no dice.... I'm down for the count.

Long time.

It helps when I write as though I'm talking to you. I'm sitting here... I've been good and decided to reward myself. I've been on a very heavy aggressive diet. It's part of this current work. I've wanted to feel better. I thought I should reward myself. I had a hard week, I've been very good the past few days, It's Sunday. I ate a package of graham crackers. some are as much as 1000 calories per 8 cracker bag. I'm at a little better ease because this one was probably only 300. My diet has changed so I can get more done and build more athleticism. So... that and watching a movie.

I'm supposed to sit here and get all zen on you. Funny if you knew me, you would laugh... my friends would laugh and do. But... I'd laugh at them too. All the enlightenment none of us have. That is the point.... That is what this work is. Lets see if it works.

Another Morning in Paradise.

   I'm really kidding.

I haven't had the best couple days.

The lesson is, I think, There are the bad thing that happens, the unpleasant thing that disrupts our life. It's how we relate to it though that can be the problem. That is the thing we can do something about is How we "deal" or how we "react" to our problems. The warrior acts, the fool reacts. That is what we can do about it. That is where we can improve our condition. Christians may say "this is the challenge the lord has given you, He hasn't given you more than you handle".
   I have let myself be upset, angry, drunk, sad, miserable. Today I have to get it all together and pick up my hammer and start laying the proverbial Railroad track, John Henry.

One of the things I'm working on is trying to be motivated... One needs goals... things one really wants out of life.... things that bring fulfillment... One isn't just motivated... one does things that fills our needs to be the person we deep down want to be. 

Slight Derail

I have a few things going on. I real test of my uncentered nature.... er something. I don't have anything to say except that it has me very distracted..... and at times angry.

seeing double

.... I'm human.... there is a pizza in the oven.. 1000 calories of shitty fat and carbs... I'm barely able to see... do not mistake me for "the buddha" jack kerouac" on the road...
fuck that whore.....
numb I'm in a state of numb. wake up tomorrow or not..

O will fall apart on the floor...

The demon's have me;...